How Not to Have a Hot Tub Threesome

If you ever were curious about initiating a hot threesome in a hot tub, this might just cool you off the idea. After meeting at a gay bar in Spartanburg, South Carolina, three men continued partying in a nearby hot tub. The merrymaking went awry, however, when two of the men began fighting over which one was the highest-paid escort. The cops got involved. Here are the most ridiculous quotes from the police report, as reported by The Smoking Gun:

1.  "The trio proceeded to a residence in Boiling Springs where Gordon is dog sitting for the home's owner. While at the property, a deputy reported, the men 'enjoyed each others company' in a hot tub on the back deck."

It wasn't even their hot tub!

2. "Adams reportedly admitted striking Tench with his hands and feet while they were in the hot tub."

Hands AND FEET.

3. "Tench ran from the hot tub to a house across the street, where he called a friend who, in turn, dialed 911."

Can you imagine being the person in that house? So many questions! Why are you in my neighbor's house? Why don't you have a cell phone? Why are you calling your friend when you should be calling 911? Also, who the fuck are you?

4. "Adams was collared for simple assault, while Gordon and Tench were both busted for providing alcohol to a minor."

Oh, you know... just drinking with an underage sex worker.

5. "All three defendants 'stated that they had been drinking,' according to the report, which consistently refers to the hot tub as a 'hot tube.'"

Oh my god, what if it was an actual TUBE where all this foot-fighting took place?