I Went to an Erotic Haunted House Inside a Huge Porn Dungeon

Over the years, the San Francisco Armory has been used by many different people for many different things. For example, it was once used as a National Guard facility, as a boxing match arena in the 1920s, as George Lucas's studio for the original Star Wars, as Kink.com's fetish porn palace and as an experimental theater space. In the near future, it could potentially be used as a massive live music venue. The last two Halloweens, however, the Armory has also hosted Hell in the Armory, a one-of-a-kind erotic haunted house that's both sinful and gory and certainly adults-only.This year's rendition runs until Halloween night and was loosely inspired by Dante's Inferno. Hell in the Armory: Inferno was created in partnership with Blackout, a production company that's put on similar haunted houses in New York and Los Angeles. After singing off a waiver (tl;dr), visitors to Hell in the Armory: Inferno are ushered down to the basement, but the first waiting room is only scary if you're a vegan or are repulsed by 90s dark electronica. Here, we are asked to put on a surgical mask and line up against a concrete wall. A mean-looking dude with a flashlight questions us about our medical history and hopes no one lies about their epileptic seizures.Our ten-person group gathers in a tiny room equipped with strobe lights and smoke machines. After mean-dude selects a group leader (which turned out to be a pointless designation because no one ever knew what the fuck was going on at any given point), we scamper over through a large passageway with wet floors. A naked woman in a weird accent waits for us and guides us to another room filled with old chairs. And before you can say, "Is that a Sam Maloof rocking chair?" someone has puts a black plastic bag over your head, and it gets difficult to breathe.

After being led in the dark, the next thing we see is a nun covered in blood on the floor. She asks for help getting her baby out, and so because I've seen a lot of home birth videos on TLC, I volunteer. Needless to say, my hands are sticky the rest of the way.In the next room, a naked little girl tells us to get on our knees. Well, she looked like a little girl, but for legal reasons I'm most certain she must have been a consenting adult. She yells at me to be quiet, even though it's my boyfriend who is laughing the entire time.

Speaking of my clumsy boyfriend, this is when a person in our group bumps into him with her huge forehead. At this point, the American Horror Story extras break the fourth wall and have to ask her if she's okay or if she needs medical assistance. Hello!? You wanted to torture us a minute ago and now you're asking her if she needs an Advil? So you can see how our suspension of disbelief is almost completely gone by that point.We are escorted to a set that looks like an Airbnb home, but you know it's totally where they film babysitter porn. A big guy in a black mask storms into the kitchen and basically manhandles everyone in our group. He is not afraid to peck the big straight dude in the lips. He's not afraid to pinch your nipples and shove you against the fridge.

The next room is a legit dungeon, with a cage and chains hanging from the ceiling. We see a grown-ass man wearing a diaper and speaking nonsense: crucifixion, blah blah, blah, only son... It doesn't take long for us to figure out that this crazy dude has some sort of Jesus complex, but by that point he's already smeared a handful of dirt he grabbed from the bottom of his diaper all over our faces.We escape through a back door and find ourselves in a candlelit bar playing Grimes. A young guy asks us if we want to watch as he cuts himself, and we all nod our heads in unison like twisted little children. We want our 40 dollars-worth.

The last room is entirely pitch black with a naked man who gets off on hearing us chant, "we yearn for what we fear" over and over again, louder each time. After he climaxes, he pulls my boyfriend aside and rubs some sort of sticky liquid all over his surgical mask. We knew those things would come in handy. After we make it back upstairs, the mean-dude from the start asks again if the woman who bumped her forehead is okay. She's fine!Given Kink.com's expertise in BDSM, Hell in the Armory is light on torture porn. And even though it was supposed to be a tour through Dante's Inferno, I think the whole production could have been elevated by a stronger overall theme and narrative. The Armory is unlike any venue anywhere in the world, and its dark, old basement could have really made an awesome mental institution or abandoned hospital.

The scariest, most nerve-wracking parts were when I had a black plastic bag over my head and when we entered the last room that was completely dark. Which proves that we're most afraid, not of what lurks in the dark passages, but, of what our imaginations can conjure up.Hell in the Armory: Inferno runs until Saturday, October 31. Tickets are $40 and are available on Eventbrite.